Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
