I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
