I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
