im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
