If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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