Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
