The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Randomize
