There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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