I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
