video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
