you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
