My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
