a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
