Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
