So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
