he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
