the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
