This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
God I need to hump something, right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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