No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
