Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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