I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
