You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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