I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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