Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
