i think my tv is drunk
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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