I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
