All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
