things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
