Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck appropriateness.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
