im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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