maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
