if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
