If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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