so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Welp...herpes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
