last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
