He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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