I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
