He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
did you just send me my own nude
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
