I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
