I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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