My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
