I'm laying in your front yard are you home
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You are the jesus of drinking
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
