Too much gin, very little bucket
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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