either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
