I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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