i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
