I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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