Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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