a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
