If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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